Whispers of silvery smoke cloud my judgement.
And a hungry emptyness fills my insides.
The taste of indecision; bitter and resentful on my tongue.
Do you think he sits there? The person who decides it all.
With scales, dropping things into each side, equating your destiny.
When words escape you, does he take a grain of sand out?
When he removes that speck of dust, do you forget some small thought that popped into your head?
Are we all puppets, with hidden strings?
"Poor old devil, his minds not what used to be."
Perhaps his scales got neglected; perhaps too much dust fell into them.
Perhaps his marbles rolled away...
What did this man drop into my scales when you fell into my life?
A pack of cards?
Shuffled, and out of order. Irregular.
With a malicious glint he regarded the cards I'd been dealt.
Out with the 4 of hearts, out with the 5.
Taking away suit by suit and leaving me only with the Joker.
Now I'm left, playing 52 card pick up. Unbalanced.
Do you think he sits there? Like a child pulling the legs off a spider.
Or squashing ants with his thumb.
Does he see me through the magnifying glass? Small, sublime.
How long until I feel the burn?
Perhaps this is just part of something bigger.
A layer, encased within something.
Like a russian doll, but continued infinately.
Perhaps in the future I will have a child who squashes ants.
Perhaps when that one ant gets wiped out, JFK gets shot on November 22, 1963.
With each clumsy stamp, a hollocaust wipes out hundreds?
Or perhaps I'm thinking too much.
Perhaps this is it.
And this is me.
And this is my all fault.
12 Kisses.
Am I doing this because I want to, Or because I am trying to avoid what I don't want.
It sounds the same, but there's a world of difference.
I could see the signs from the start; but should I doubt the signs?
I counted the x's you left on the messages in my inbox.
I get butterflies when I think of being close to you.
But are they because of excitement, or because I think I'm making a mistake?
It sounds the same, but there's a world of difference.
I could see the signs from the start; but should I doubt the signs?
I counted the x's you left on the messages in my inbox.
I get butterflies when I think of being close to you.
But are they because of excitement, or because I think I'm making a mistake?
19th December 2008: 8:07pm - Twilight
Preface
Its times like these that make me want to be in love.
That make me realise; I was never in love with you.
That make me realise love isn't that easy to come by and that it doesn't just fall into your lap each time you meet someone new.
It's made me understand the logic behind the saying "you'll know when you find the one".
It's made me understand who the one is, and what they are going to stand for. When I find them.
I haven't got the one; I didn't have it in the past, I don't have it in the present, and I can see it in my future for a while.
But I want it. I want to be in love.
I want those glittering moments; that glow like fireflies on a misty evening at dusk.
When everything is glowing russet red and amber, yet its the small details that are illuminated to sharpness by your sparkle. Details like the crinkles around your eyes, and the soft downy hair on your skin, brought to crisp life by your presence.
I want that warmth, that spicy sensation in the core of a person that contracts and rotates and makes your eyes burn and fizz with tears, swelling over, obscuring the beautiful vision.
I want the humming in the ears, blocking out every sound except the soft frequencies of your voice, the buzz or sheer bliss. It's audible if you think of it.
The sensation of floating, the floor falling away, and being left suspended in the dark with only you. Situated in the glycerine space, where time stops.
Your lips on my forehead.
Afterword
I can taste the beauty.
Sometimes I can't stop these waves of emotion, and recognition.
They show me what it could be like, what I could have.
They give me a quick sense of what it would feel like, and also torture me at the same time.
I didn't feel this back then, I don't feel it now.
All I can say, is that with every part of my being;
I hope its my future.
I'm praying its in there somewhere...
Somehow.
Its times like these that make me want to be in love.
That make me realise; I was never in love with you.
That make me realise love isn't that easy to come by and that it doesn't just fall into your lap each time you meet someone new.
It's made me understand the logic behind the saying "you'll know when you find the one".
It's made me understand who the one is, and what they are going to stand for. When I find them.
I haven't got the one; I didn't have it in the past, I don't have it in the present, and I can see it in my future for a while.
But I want it. I want to be in love.
I want those glittering moments; that glow like fireflies on a misty evening at dusk.
When everything is glowing russet red and amber, yet its the small details that are illuminated to sharpness by your sparkle. Details like the crinkles around your eyes, and the soft downy hair on your skin, brought to crisp life by your presence.
I want that warmth, that spicy sensation in the core of a person that contracts and rotates and makes your eyes burn and fizz with tears, swelling over, obscuring the beautiful vision.
I want the humming in the ears, blocking out every sound except the soft frequencies of your voice, the buzz or sheer bliss. It's audible if you think of it.
The sensation of floating, the floor falling away, and being left suspended in the dark with only you. Situated in the glycerine space, where time stops.
Your lips on my forehead.
Afterword
I can taste the beauty.
Sometimes I can't stop these waves of emotion, and recognition.
They show me what it could be like, what I could have.
They give me a quick sense of what it would feel like, and also torture me at the same time.
I didn't feel this back then, I don't feel it now.
All I can say, is that with every part of my being;
I hope its my future.
I'm praying its in there somewhere...
Somehow.
For Those Of You That Dont Understand.
I understand that this may seem like me being selfish, I see that.
Its just right now, I need to put myself first.
There are a few of you who want the best for me, and haven't let this stand in the way of our friendship. So I want to thank you for sticking by me, especially through this rough patch.
There are 3 or 4 of you who are my lifelines at the moment, and I would have never predicted that it would be you that kept me going.
Some of you however, don't seem to appreciate how hard its been for me.
You haven't seen first hand how hard things have hit me lately.
I hoped you would understand, but I think that was too much to ask.
You all just need to do the mature thing and realise that sometimes there are more importantthings than parties and drinking.
If you really cared at all, you would want me to do whats best, and you would want me to get well.
One day, when something hits you like this, and you struggle to get up yourself, you'll understand.
And, I suppose I will be there to help you along.
Its just right now, I need to put myself first.
There are a few of you who want the best for me, and haven't let this stand in the way of our friendship. So I want to thank you for sticking by me, especially through this rough patch.
There are 3 or 4 of you who are my lifelines at the moment, and I would have never predicted that it would be you that kept me going.
Some of you however, don't seem to appreciate how hard its been for me.
You haven't seen first hand how hard things have hit me lately.
I hoped you would understand, but I think that was too much to ask.
You all just need to do the mature thing and realise that sometimes there are more importantthings than parties and drinking.
If you really cared at all, you would want me to do whats best, and you would want me to get well.
One day, when something hits you like this, and you struggle to get up yourself, you'll understand.
And, I suppose I will be there to help you along.
I cried through Chapter 20.
I wonder if you ever think about me.
I still think about you.
That last night, I've never had someone leave and not come back.
I sent you away, And I was right.
But I didn't think it would be so easy for you.
It hurt me. So much.
I kept the tissues.
I kept the roses, though I gave them to someone else I love now.
You never wanted to see me again, Even though you pretended not to know.
You pretended to cry.
You had my things ready in a bag so you never had to come back.
Standing in the cold and the dark, we accidentally kissed goodbye.
Twice.
As I turned my back through the door, you called my name.
I turned around and you told me to keep smiling.
I shut the door, smiled at you, as if I would see you soon.
And as if nothing happened.
For that second we were unchanged whilst we still loved each other.
But you never loved me...
And guess what honey, I was deluded.
I never loved you either.
I still think about you.
That last night, I've never had someone leave and not come back.
I sent you away, And I was right.
But I didn't think it would be so easy for you.
It hurt me. So much.
I kept the tissues.
I kept the roses, though I gave them to someone else I love now.
You never wanted to see me again, Even though you pretended not to know.
You pretended to cry.
You had my things ready in a bag so you never had to come back.
Standing in the cold and the dark, we accidentally kissed goodbye.
Twice.
As I turned my back through the door, you called my name.
I turned around and you told me to keep smiling.
I shut the door, smiled at you, as if I would see you soon.
And as if nothing happened.
For that second we were unchanged whilst we still loved each other.
But you never loved me...
And guess what honey, I was deluded.
I never loved you either.
C'est joli. C'est vrai.
Being away from it all makes everything so much more beautiful.
So much scarier.
But from where I am, and where I've been sent, and where I'm kept, I can see it all.
I can see what means the most to me.
I can see what's beautiful. I can see what needs appreciation.
So here I am trying to express it all.
I miss old friends, I realise how I have let you become old friends.
I miss new friends, and how I let go of the excitement.
I miss my friends. The ones who are there to pick me up.
I realise who you are.
And I realise who I need, who I miss.
Having something taken away from you, even when you think its small and insignificant, makes you realise how LUCKY you are to have it.
And how you should strive to make the most of it.
But when you strive you burn, And finding that medium is the hardest thing.
I tried and I failed.
But I'm not afraid to fall, it means I've climbed up high enough to fall.
I'll climb back again, and this time, I want to do it right.
I miss excitement, and spontaneity.
I miss the chills and the thrills of life.
I miss going out and just not thinking of what I have to do, what I need to do, and just laughing.
I miss ART. True art, true beauty.
I miss trying, and having that drive to find it.
I'm sad that the most beautiful moments are in the past, and I can't see them happening again.
I miss being different, I miss making people smile.
I miss how I used to be, and how I want to be.
I miss wanting to be something.
I resent that I feel so under pressure to succeed that I put myself in danger.
I resent what I've done to myself, I am sad how spoilt I have become.
I wish I could do all the things I try so hard to do.
I wish they weren't so out of reach.
I can't wait to find myself.
I can't wait to grow old with the people that matter.
I'm scared of the future but I anticipate it so much.
I want to do well.
I want to make my life easier for myself.
I want to have fun.
I want to work hard.
I want to be happy.
When I come back from this, and climb back up to the top.
I want to be better, different.
Improved.
I want to be me.
So much scarier.
But from where I am, and where I've been sent, and where I'm kept, I can see it all.
I can see what means the most to me.
I can see what's beautiful. I can see what needs appreciation.
So here I am trying to express it all.
I miss old friends, I realise how I have let you become old friends.
I miss new friends, and how I let go of the excitement.
I miss my friends. The ones who are there to pick me up.
I realise who you are.
And I realise who I need, who I miss.
Having something taken away from you, even when you think its small and insignificant, makes you realise how LUCKY you are to have it.
And how you should strive to make the most of it.
But when you strive you burn, And finding that medium is the hardest thing.
I tried and I failed.
But I'm not afraid to fall, it means I've climbed up high enough to fall.
I'll climb back again, and this time, I want to do it right.
I miss excitement, and spontaneity.
I miss the chills and the thrills of life.
I miss going out and just not thinking of what I have to do, what I need to do, and just laughing.
I miss ART. True art, true beauty.
I miss trying, and having that drive to find it.
I'm sad that the most beautiful moments are in the past, and I can't see them happening again.
I miss being different, I miss making people smile.
I miss how I used to be, and how I want to be.
I miss wanting to be something.
I resent that I feel so under pressure to succeed that I put myself in danger.
I resent what I've done to myself, I am sad how spoilt I have become.
I wish I could do all the things I try so hard to do.
I wish they weren't so out of reach.
I can't wait to find myself.
I can't wait to grow old with the people that matter.
I'm scared of the future but I anticipate it so much.
I want to do well.
I want to make my life easier for myself.
I want to have fun.
I want to work hard.
I want to be happy.
When I come back from this, and climb back up to the top.
I want to be better, different.
Improved.
I want to be me.
Your Voice, Your Face
Still brings me to tears.
I hate this with every part of me.
I'm so torn between all of this.
Make it easy..Tell me you want me?
I can't go on like this much longer.
I hate this with every part of me.
I'm so torn between all of this.
Make it easy..Tell me you want me?
I can't go on like this much longer.
I can't bear to look at you, to talk to you, I hurt just being near you.
But the thought of getting over you hurts just as much.
I don't even want to write about it.
And whenever something this big hits me, I have to write.
I just can't.
I can't stop crying at stupid songs, I can't look at your photograph.
You've put such a hole in my heart and I almost hate you for it.
And at the same time, I want you so so so much.
It'd be so easy to lose myself to you.
For once I can't rely on you to pick me back up.
I can't get rid of this knot in my stomach and I can't get rid of this pain.
I'm sick of living with it, like its something I have to hide and pretend isn't there.
I can't be bothered with anything anymore.
I just want to give up on it all, it's not important.
Everything's a fail, if I fail this.
seeing how much you love her...
...makes my insides hurt.
Why do I constantly want you to accept me?
All along its been you.
There's always been something for you.
Why do I constantly want you to accept me?
All along its been you.
There's always been something for you.
Some say.
Some say that we shouldn’t regret anything.
Some say that our mistakes and the people in our life make us who we are today.
A lot of bad things have happened to me in my life; I’ve made lots of mistakes, and met lots of people.
I wouldn’t change anything, except one.
I met a person, who was a mistake.
I can honestly say that worse things have happened to me than that person, but I’d keep them.
They made me who I am today...
They made me better, stronger, harder.
If I could change the past, this would be the only thing I’d change.
I wouldn’t have ever got in that car, taken that CD, kissed that neck.
I would change it all.
You see, people say that the past makes you who you are.
Yes, I agree, and I would keep everything that made me who I am.
But this person took away parts of me. Knocked me down, destroyed pieces of me and I lost them. And I can’t get them back.
Perhaps that person has added to who I am; but what’s the use if since I finally freed myself of them, I hate who I am?
Not at my fault, but because part of me is lost out there and I can’t get it back.
I’m all for having no regrets.
I do believe they make you who you are.
But I regret you.
And you took away who I was.
I wish it could have been different.
Some say that our mistakes and the people in our life make us who we are today.
A lot of bad things have happened to me in my life; I’ve made lots of mistakes, and met lots of people.
I wouldn’t change anything, except one.
I met a person, who was a mistake.
I can honestly say that worse things have happened to me than that person, but I’d keep them.
They made me who I am today...
They made me better, stronger, harder.
If I could change the past, this would be the only thing I’d change.
I wouldn’t have ever got in that car, taken that CD, kissed that neck.
I would change it all.
You see, people say that the past makes you who you are.
Yes, I agree, and I would keep everything that made me who I am.
But this person took away parts of me. Knocked me down, destroyed pieces of me and I lost them. And I can’t get them back.
Perhaps that person has added to who I am; but what’s the use if since I finally freed myself of them, I hate who I am?
Not at my fault, but because part of me is lost out there and I can’t get it back.
I’m all for having no regrets.
I do believe they make you who you are.
But I regret you.
And you took away who I was.
I wish it could have been different.
You honestly don't know...
...how much I could love you, If only you let me.
Oh God, I wish you would let me...
Oh God, I wish you would let me...
Aurora II.
Standing on the edge, her feet permanently embossing,
Leaving her mark on the moss for when she is gone.
The sun warms her neck as she stands, arms with grace spreading.
Leaving her mark on the moss for when she is gone.
The sun warms her neck as she stands, arms with grace spreading.
The wind catches her hair and it caresses her shoulder,
Like a whisper, a comfort, a guiding spirit.
Like a whisper, a comfort, a guiding spirit.
Below the noise, the dirt and the hurt seem so far away.
Up here, on her concrete crucifix, the light creates a halo around her face.
From here, all she sees are the clouds, the birds, and the breathtaking beauty.
Her bare toes curl on the ledge as a breeze lifts her soul.
Just one breath closer to where she’s meant to be.
The world stops spinning and she thinks about breathing,
And how with each breath now limited, she feels finally alive.
And how with each breath now limited, she feels finally alive.
Her feet lift off the floor, in slow motion she floats.
The wind in her hair, the breeze in her ears, the golden silence begins.
A smile on her lips, a new deity of the city.
Now a glowing rose between two thorns,
Beauty halfway between the spiteful ground and halfway from the roof,
The most perfect and euphoric flight.
Beauty halfway between the spiteful ground and halfway from the roof,
The most perfect and euphoric flight.
Not for this paragon an end she doesn’t want.
After all, this isn’t a melancholic end.
Nor even bittersweet.
For this is no end at all.
Her last breath will be her next, and she will truly awake.
In a fresh golden field,
With perfect blue skies, and Aurora filled nights.
With perfect blue skies, and Aurora filled nights.
And she will live on.
Forever, this brave angelic aura.
Aurora.
i solemnly stand still and alone.
on the corner of the street.
where a sign to the north, meets a sign to the east.
left is the south, where my broken self lies, and over in the west are aurora lit skies.
when the over-exposed traffic lights stop spinning round my head.
when the over-exposed traffic lights stop spinning round my head.
the scales are unbalanced, the broken south, which ive fled.
uneven mute libra, fragmented and lost.
finding true self, at what cutting cost.
aurora avenue, where the skies they all fall.
aurora avenue, where the skies they all fall.
the alacritous clouds, lead to new city brawl.
my dissipated eyes, search for myself.
amongst distant blank faces, recognition unfelt.
how long it will take, for now i dont know.
how long it will take, for now i dont know.
until fresh syncopated beats, tread their feet in the snow.
perhaps soon ill find, an elysian life.
where my own fields shine golden, free from old strife.
until then i shall stay, on this pre-chosen path.
until then i shall stay, on this pre-chosen path.
hiding my light, for as long as i last.
but still, do not fret, nor chide my harsh words.
one day, i hope soon, i'll fly free like the birds.
I just can't walk away
I said, I can't take it that easy
Wanna break you down tonight
Don't wanna waste another day
And it's not over just yet
Give me this one last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war worth dying for tonight
Give me this one last fighting chance
To be the kid who caved you in
It'd be so easy to lose myself to you
You know I'll storm through your castles doors
Cause you know that I'm good for you
And you're scared of what you'll find
A love you won't regret
So open up your friendly fire
And let me be the kill you're missing
Don't wanna see you close your eyes
Until this is over
Give me this one last fighting chance
To crash the wall I'll get to you
You are a war worth dying for tonight
Give me this one last fighting chance
To be the kid who caved you in
It'd be so easy to lose myself to you
So many mistakes.
So, I thought that you were for real. I was wrong.
I'm bored of being wrong now. I'm not even sure that its entirely my fault. But still.
I know that the more I look, the less likely it is to happen, Ive heard that enough times.
I know I'm being pathetic, for wanting it so bad.
Ultimately I'm making life harder for myself aren't I?
You're crawling back to me now, And I don't even think I have the fight left in me to tell you to turn away.
But I did it.
No matter how many people there are in between, Don't forget, Ive only ever wanted you.
I only want you. Ill wait for you.
I'm bored of being wrong now. I'm not even sure that its entirely my fault. But still.
I know that the more I look, the less likely it is to happen, Ive heard that enough times.
I know I'm being pathetic, for wanting it so bad.
Ultimately I'm making life harder for myself aren't I?
You're crawling back to me now, And I don't even think I have the fight left in me to tell you to turn away.
But I did it.
No matter how many people there are in between, Don't forget, Ive only ever wanted you.
I only want you. Ill wait for you.
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