For Those Of You That Dont Understand.

I understand that this may seem like me being selfish, I see that.
Its just right now, I need to put myself first.
There are a few of you who want the best for me, and haven't let this stand in the way of our friendship. So I want to thank you for sticking by me, especially through this rough patch.
There are 3 or 4 of you who are my lifelines at the moment, and I would have never predicted that it would be you that kept me going.
Some of you however, don't seem to appreciate how hard its been for me.
You haven't seen first hand how hard things have hit me lately.
I hoped you would understand, but I think that was too much to ask.
You all just need to do the mature thing and realise that sometimes there are more importantthings than parties and drinking.
If you really cared at all, you would want me to do whats best, and you would want me to get well.
One day, when something hits you like this, and you struggle to get up yourself, you'll understand.
And, I suppose I will be there to help you along.

I cried through Chapter 20.

I wonder if you ever think about me.
I still think about you.
That last night, I've never had someone leave and not come back.
I sent you away, And I was right.
But I didn't think it would be so easy for you.
It hurt me. So much.
I kept the tissues.
I kept the roses, though I gave them to someone else I love now.
You never wanted to see me again, Even though you pretended not to know.
You pretended to cry.
You had my things ready in a bag so you never had to come back.
Standing in the cold and the dark, we accidentally kissed goodbye.
Twice.
As I turned my back through the door, you called my name.
I turned around and you told me to keep smiling.
I shut the door, smiled at you, as if I would see you soon.
And as if nothing happened.
For that second we were unchanged whilst we still loved each other.
But you never loved me...
And guess what honey, I was deluded.
I never loved you either.

C'est joli. C'est vrai.

Being away from it all makes everything so much more beautiful.
So much scarier.

But from where I am, and where I've been sent, and where I'm kept, I can see it all.
I can see what means the most to me.

I can see what's beautiful. I can see what needs appreciation.

So here I am trying to express it all.

I miss old friends, I realise how I have let you become old friends.
I miss new friends, and how I let go of the excitement.
I miss my friends. The ones who are there to pick me up.
I realise who you are.
And I realise who I need, who I miss.

Having something taken away from you, even when you think its small and insignificant, makes you realise how LUCKY you are to have it.
And how you should strive to make the most of it.

But when you strive you burn, And finding that medium is the hardest thing.
I tried and I failed.

But I'm not afraid to fall, it means I've climbed up high enough to fall.
I'll climb back again, and this time, I want to do it right.

I miss excitement, and spontaneity.
I miss the chills and the thrills of life.
I miss going out and just not thinking of what I have to do, what I need to do, and just laughing.

I miss ART. True art, true beauty.
I miss trying, and having that drive to find it.
I'm sad that the most beautiful moments are in the past, and I can't see them happening again.

I miss being different, I miss making people smile.
I miss how I used to be, and how I want to be.
I miss wanting to be something.

I resent that I feel so under pressure to succeed that I put myself in danger.
I resent what I've done to myself, I am sad how spoilt I have become.

I wish I could do all the things I try so hard to do.
I wish they weren't so out of reach.

I can't wait to find myself.
I can't wait to grow old with the people that matter.

I'm scared of the future but I anticipate it so much.

I want to do well.
I want to make my life easier for myself.
I want to have fun.
I want to work hard.
I want to be happy.

When I come back from this, and climb back up to the top.

I want to be better, different.
Improved.

I want to be me.