Laying here with my hand on my neck, I can feel the slow and steady, constant flow of my blood.
It reminds me I'm alive. It reminds me that I'm not just human on the surface.
I am bone, sinew, tendon, flesh and cells.
Each pump of blood keeps me working like a machine.
When we are the most complex and complicated machine known to man, known to this world, how can we merely call ourselves human?
Human versus Machine, such a difference, yet so the same.
Are all feelings individual and unique? Other machines have felt as much as we, they relate. Our networks interlink.
How can we say we are human when a seemingly spontaneous choice of path has been previously walked? Has been programmed into us, into others.
How is it that I have felt like this before? Will I feel like this again?
Am I wrong? And am I different? Or will we all feel this way?
Why is it that when I feel the blood pulsing through my veins, my heart and my body that I feel less human, and more like a machine?
Why is it that the world as I feel it vanishes beneath me leaving me with only the beat of my heart. I feel inconsequential, small and lost, unnoticed. Yet at the same time I feel that all of this is out of my hands, and that none of it is within my control.
None of this is my fault.
Alongside DNA feelings and choices and the paths we take are what make us individual, yet others before me have made the same choices, what distinguishes me from them?
With every beat of my young and unsure heart my choices and decisions seem not to be my own but in the hands of someone else; this comforts me.
Does this bring me on to a 'God', a 'Creator'? Have our lives and has this world been mapped out like software on a computer? Are we all just walking hardware?
Perhaps I am pondering the meaning of life, or how we came into existence.
Or perhaps I am finally realising there is so much more to this world than I thought.
I am realising that the complexity behind a simple choice or decision, and the million and one combinations of emotions and feelings are just as profound and as intricate as our genetic make up.
On the surface I see simply skin, but underneath I feel it all move; I feel my body working I feel the cells grow and expand, pulse, twitch, circulate and respire.
I feel it all happening, and I know I'm not controlling it.
Existence is out of my hands.
How can all this be happening within me and yet I am unable to make a conscious decision to simply switch off?
How can this machine of life, with no power switch, be compared to any of the greatest machines and inventions of all time?
Yet what is confusion? A virus, some rust in the machinery?
How can not knowing what to do bring all this thought?
I guess I want to know who is responsible. For me, for everyone, for being human.
If I made a decision that hurt someone, is it really my fault?
Who is in control? The choice or the human?
How can the worlds greatest machine manage to keep going through it all, but fail to find clarity at any given point?
How can the worlds greatest machine fail to make a simple choice?
Is it the perfections that make us human, or is it the imperfections?
Humans all make choices, but some find it harder than other, is this humanity?
Perhaps it's not the ability to make a choice that defines us as beings or as a race, but the inability to make a choice.
The confusion, the haziness, the unbalanced scales.
After unintentionally pondering the big questions to no avail, the answer to my smaller queries is seemingly more lost than before.
Confusion has led to more confusion, and as I feel my heart beat, and marvel at my mechanics,
I have no answer.
I have no point.
And at this moment in time,
I ponder it all.
1 comment:
Even the world's greatest machine isn't infallible - greatness doesn't equate to infallibility.
Everything we choose, say, do... it's an *evidence* of our humanity. Humanity itself is predefined, 'human' in a dictionary. But what evidences this is what's important.
There may be feelings of doubt or uncertainty in you, perhaps you think 'meaning' and 'purpose' don't exist purely, because there really is no purpose for existence, as chance and circumstance are to blame for the creation of everything.
But from what I gather, you recognise that this information and these feelings are merely just chemicals and electrical impulses in your human 'machine'... therefore you perhaps could recognise... that meaning and purpose are not the tools of an objective creator to give, but of the individual, you.
You are the one with the power to give purpose and meaning to things, including your own life.
Your choices evidence your humanity and individuality, but even if someone has walked the same path as you, you're still a separate person because there's more to humanity than simply the choices you make, the life path on which you walk.
Perhaps you can't help but feel despondent sometimes, because of the chemicals, hormones, electrical impulses in your mind.
But these are YOUR chemicals. With patience and a clear head, you can control them.
This is you.
Be strong, and you'll be strong.
tl;dr Hope you're alright.
x
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