Lighting cigarettes from tealights as the ice wind whispers at my neck.
Numb hands holding on to the edge.
Clutching at straws.

I don't know how much longer I can wear this mask, when inside I am crumbling like the cliffs into the sea.
An inevitable death, constant continual destruction, in silence, so slow that no one can see what is gradually slipping away.
When I am alone, the tears flow, burning my face, trying to get out after being locked away for so long.

Hiding this will break me.

This is called a compromise.
My brave face saves your guilt. 
Your subtlety saves my pain.
Hold up your end of the deal.
None of it is real.

And I miss you
Like the moon misses the stars on a cloudy night.
When the blanketed sky separates
Two things which so clearly belong together.

If I could control the elements,
I would part the sea for you.
I would melt the ice surrounding you and light a fire in your soul.

But even if I could control the earth on which you walk,
I will never be able to control your heart. 

I am drawn to you, like a creature to the light.

Magnetism won’t let me pull away, no matter how hard I try.

Like a moth to the flame, I know I will get burnt by you.
But the fire in me burns so brightly that it takes hold and I can’t release myself from its grasp.

Twisting and turning like a knife in the gut. You have hurt me.
I shouldn’t forgive you, and I can’t let you back in.

But all I want is you, and it is tearing me apart piece by piece, so slowly that no one can even notice.
Why did you take so much of me? You didn’t take what I was willing to offer.
You didn’t take the love and the kindness.

Instead you stripped me of worth and value like a coin with no crown.

Why can’t I forget you? When keeping you in my heart is breaking it.
This is self destruction at its finest.

Time stops when you're here.

But now the clock hands move again.

When I'm with you, silence falls like snow.

Settling on my skin,

Delicately numbing me to everything except us.

But now the clock hands move again.

I am left cold, in a loud crowded place.

I don't know how to call you back to me.

The clock hands move again.

Demise

I could liken this to wading into the sea with a fear of drowning.
I can’t be sure if the end is inevitable, but it’s anticipated.

That fear alone ties my insides together into impenetrable knots. 
Visceral emotions, sinking, just like I am sinking into you. 
Everything is quick sand.

But for all that, I can guarantee that it will touch my skin with such effortless sentiment.
Waves of satin and folds of silk.

Surround me, embrace me, fill me.
It is all or nothing.

The knots of anxiety and doubt are conquered by the comfort the water brings each time it touches my skin.
The fear cannot hold me back from diving in, drinking it in, breathing it in.
Let it fill my lungs.

It would be a bitter sweet destruction.
For drowning in this...
For drowning in you,
Is the best downfall I could dream of.

Ára Bátur

Meteors and starlight,
A feeling of floating.
A crescendo and weightlessness.
Sunlight through a cloud,
Waves crashing on the palest of sands.
A gravitational pull.
Magnetism.
All of it, drawing me to you.

Where no light can be reflected, no shine to be seen,

Anonymous and invisible against a backdrop of endless grains of sand.

Enclosed and contained, unreachable and fading,

No heartbeat, no warmth, only hurt locked within.

Only more pain could reanimate what is left behind.

Pain to reveal that there is life left after all.

Running across bridges just to feel alive.

I tell myself that the tears that burn are from the wind in my eyes. 

Lips against lips with no consequences.
Numb from the cold, central origins, spreading outwards.

The tears turn to ice and shatter, fallen to the ground.

Trying to lose myself to feel alive,

Trying to break myself to feel alive.

To have no heart, to have no direction.
Before all I have is turned to dust.

And age turns everything grey.

Tonight I feel hollow, glass-like.

Fragile and delicate and just waiting to be broken.

I am finding so much hard to understand right now.

I am angry at the world for taking away people that should have lived on.

I am angry that life is only that, life. No matter how great you make it, it still ends.

I guess this makes me feel as if there is no point?

Why try and be something you are not? Why not just be you and love every minute.

Or should I strive to change, to be better? Is it worth it?

What would you tell me to do?

I don’t understand how one minute you were here full of such energy,

And the next you were broken.

I pray to god you weren’t scared.

I hope you didn’t know what was coming.

I hope you didn’t feel pain and I hope you had no regrets.

Right now words are nothing to me but shapes.

I cannot be comforted.

It's strange, feeling you've lost something you never had.
Everything seems so mundane and mediocre, even though it's nothing worse than you had before.

Sometimes silence is worse than any answer that you might not want to hear...

Tonight is the first night I haven’t waited up for you.
If you felt the same, I would have heard by now.

I feel on the edge of something big.
The unknown ended too abruptly.
There is no label or definition for what we were.
I feel like I need to know what you are feeling.
Am I the last thing on your mind right now?
When you have been my first for weeks.
Will that change, maybe.
Do I want it to? No.
I wish it could be easy.
I wish that time would make it more effortless, the way I know it could be.
But it won’t ever be easy for us and I can’t see a time when it will work.

All I know is that I could love you and feel safe.
And coming from me this means the world.

I need you to tell me that it wasn't all in my head.
I would have done anything just to see you smile.
I thought you were the one person who would never hurt me.
Or am I just hurting myself?

11.11

you will be my wish until it comes true.

I want to watch films in bed with you,
And hold hands whilst we sleep.
Walking down the pavement,
Knowing that you're mine undoubtedly.

I want to stand on my tip toes,
For each kiss goodnight.

In every moment that hangs in time,
And with every breath I inhale,
I feel the distance.
The air remains in my lungs,
It sits.
Resting.
The constant weight of a reminder.
You're not here.

A feeling; I should have never let you go with these things left unsaid.
We are the tip of an iceberg.
We are potential, and possibility, but on a tight rope.
I'm trying to hold onto this before it fades.

I'm thinking forward to that day when I can breathe out.
Wishing it was tomorrow.
Hoping that it still feels the same.

Glove.

And I want to know if you'd miss me,
If my tomorrow didn't come.
Would you notice the space where I used to be?
Like a see through cardboard cut out; in the room but still so vague.
Would you feel the shift in the air if my footsteps didn't fall where they would have if I was still around?
Would you remember and regret?
Would you allow yourself to forget?

And if tomorrow I just stopped,
Would you stop yourself too?
Maybe you would wish our time better spent,
But I won't know until I'm gone.
So for now I will just answer for myself.

One day I will sense belonging;
But not until I'm gone.

Everyone has things that they would change if they could.
Little things, big things, things that would drastically alter the day to day workings of life as we know it.
This is just a little thing, but I think it might be too late to change it, I don’t know.
What I do know is that we were good, you and me.
We were a good team, I thought.
We were too similar.
I wish that I hadn’t cared so much as to push you away and to test you.
Even though you failed and didn’t fight for me I don’t care.
I just want you back so that feeling I have of being replaced and of being nothing would go away.
You won’t see this, because despite being too much the same we are worlds apart.
But either way, I miss you just the same.

250311

Too many tears have been shed from this prison, but they are in vain as nothing can change.
Lining the walls with paper to free myself seems too much like padding a cell.

A Summary of 289 Days

Deleting more characters than I am actually writing tells me that I am lost.
It tells me that I don’t know or like what I have become but I know that I have said I will change before.
I guess Im still here to show you that I haven't and that I can’t.
After everything that I have been through in my 20 years of existence you think I would amount to more.
Maybe what I amount to shouldn’t matter.
Maybe I should measure my worth in the ratio of laughter to tears but the pathetic thing is I know what one would be greater.
Does greatness matter?
What matters?
I want someone to tell me what matters.
I need to know what matters.

Sometimes the burning behind my eyelids keeps me from sleep.
Sometimes when I lay still I can feel like I’m floating.
Sometimes, if I think hard enough I can pretend that there is nothing around me.
Sometimes in the darkness I forget.

These words are nothing.
These words aren't all of me. 
I don't want this to be all of me.

I'm a songbird, and I need to sing.
Don't take these words from me and leave me mute.
I'm a free bird, and I need to fly.
Don't clip my wings and tie me down.
I'm a love bird, and I need my heart.
Don't break it and take its beat.



I'm a bird trapped in a cage of ribs and my wings flutter like a heart.
I'm weighed down by layers of blankets like skin and they stop my song.
When butterflies like lips pass by and touch my window like face I feel like a feather that's lightheaded.
Crack the shell and let me fly away.



My feathers are faded and I need the light.

I want someone to cook dinner with, drinking wine out the bottle.
and I want someone to dance with, when it rains and mud spatters our clothes.
I want someone to cuddle under a blanket whilst drinking tea.
and I want someone to walk with, under the stars in the dead of night.
I want someone to hold my hand, and show me it's okay to fall.
and I want to feel that gentleness, that fragility of a true embrace.
I want the laughs, the highs, the movie moments.
and most of all, I want it to be effortless.