My body hurts, aches.
I can feel the presence of you resting on my lungs.
Persistently, constantly, relentlessly.
I can’t breathe anymore.
I just can’t.
Everything is spinning, blacking out.
I’m starved.
Of air, of you.
Of feeling.
Everything is crashing down around me,
Whilst I am suspended in time.
This can’t last forever.
It is only a matter of time before I suffocate.
Before I shut down all together.
It’s only a matter of time before this ends.

Prisoner of War

There is only so much pretending a human being can take before the cracks start to show and the broken voice inside begins to seep out.
Whispering words of insecurity, loss, pain and despair.

There are two sides of me and each day is a constant struggle for power.
A battle of light and dark.
Shadows are creeping over everything.
I am stuck in this shell, confused as to which side I am fighting for.

Things seem grey and unclear.
The good cleans the bad and the bad stains the good.
I am trapped inside my mind with the weight of it all.
I endure the constant screaming, the torn discussions my voice has with itself.
I have lost sight of who I am underneath all this.
I don’t have much fight left in me.
Especially when I don’t have anything to fight for.

But I will go on, as I can conquer this.
I can chase out the dark.
I will try and win this war, or at least go down fighting.

I wish you could understand.

I don't know if it's you I want or the idea of being one half of an 'us'.
It's been so long since I have felt part of something.
I'm torturing myself by forcing my poor square heart into a round hole.
You are so high up on this pedestal of mine that I can't even see who you are.
I don't think that matters.
I don't think it matters to me that I know we can never work.
This is just a challenge.
I need to see if I can make you want me.
I need you to want me.
I want you to need me.
I need this.

How to love me

Hold me close. 

Need me. 

Trace words on my skin with your fingertips. 

Tell me that I am safe with you. 

Make me feel secure. 

Make me feel wanted. 

Don't let go of my hand.

Look me in the eyes as you kiss me. 

Protect me. 

Treasure me. 

Tell the world I am yours. 

Tell me that you are mine. 

Gain my trust.

Never break it. 

Let me know I am enough for you. 

Learn me.

Teach me. 

Inspire me. 

Challenge me. 

Give me room to grow. 

Help me.

Be patient. 

Be kind. 

Never give up on me. 

Stay with me. 

Endure me.

Love me.

Your smile lights a fire deep in my chest.
Your kisses leave me weak. 
Memories of you feel like waves under my skin. 
Your touch is the moon controlling the tides of my body. 
Just one taste of you and now I'm drowning. 
You've left me wanting so much more. 
More than the oceans and more than the flames. 
I want the moments when you whispered 'kiss me' or when you laced your fingers with mine. 
Count my freckles with your lips and I will draw a curved line under yours to create a smile.
All I'm asking is that you give me a chance. 
A chance to show you how it could be. 

Rebirth

If I could tear it off I would.
I would rip, gouge and split my skin apart until I have shed it all.
Without it would I be more myself?
What do you do when the person inside doesn’t match the skin you were given?

a i r

Even on the happiest of days, it is never easy.
It feels like everything inside me is constricting, restricting, twisting and screaming.
I am never going to be good enough.
I am never ever going to be free of this.
Even on the happiest of days.

Breathing burns, my lungs turned to stone.
And the weight of every tear shed holds me down.

I can't do this every day for the rest of my life.
I will wear too thin, and there are only so many times something that is broken can be mended.

Living in my head is harder than anything I have ever faced.

I am never going to let myself be happy.
Even on the happiest of days.

Possibility is a cruel thing.
It sits there, inside of you telling you that these things you so desperately want to be could be, but only if fortune decides to favour the naive.
Wanting something and knowing that it will never be hurts more than having it and it being taken away.

Everything I dream for myself, every wish ever made, will always be brighter than the reality.
Seeing the potential makes life hard when finding that elusive ideal is unachievable.

I sit here, with this longing inside of me.
Right now it is to be good enough, right now it is to be good enough for you.

I want life to sweep me off my feet just once.
I want you to sweep me off my feet.

I know this will never be.

a u r a

When the moon has risen and the sun is at rest,
I sit wondering what will become of me.
You have such an air of possibility around you.
An aura of 'what if's and 'maybe's.
I want you to take me with you,
Wherever you go.
But deep down I know I'm a wrecking ball waiting to swing,
And I can't justify destroying something so beautiful for my own selfish gain.

Lighting cigarettes from tealights as the ice wind whispers at my neck.
Numb hands holding on to the edge.
Clutching at straws.

I don't know how much longer I can wear this mask, when inside I am crumbling like the cliffs into the sea.
An inevitable death, constant continual destruction, in silence, so slow that no one can see what is gradually slipping away.
When I am alone, the tears flow, burning my face, trying to get out after being locked away for so long.

Hiding this will break me.

This is called a compromise.
My brave face saves your guilt. 
Your subtlety saves my pain.
Hold up your end of the deal.
None of it is real.