Tonight I feel hollow, glass-like.

Fragile and delicate and just waiting to be broken.

I am finding so much hard to understand right now.

I am angry at the world for taking away people that should have lived on.

I am angry that life is only that, life. No matter how great you make it, it still ends.

I guess this makes me feel as if there is no point?

Why try and be something you are not? Why not just be you and love every minute.

Or should I strive to change, to be better? Is it worth it?

What would you tell me to do?

I don’t understand how one minute you were here full of such energy,

And the next you were broken.

I pray to god you weren’t scared.

I hope you didn’t know what was coming.

I hope you didn’t feel pain and I hope you had no regrets.

Right now words are nothing to me but shapes.

I cannot be comforted.

It's strange, feeling you've lost something you never had.
Everything seems so mundane and mediocre, even though it's nothing worse than you had before.

Sometimes silence is worse than any answer that you might not want to hear...

Tonight is the first night I haven’t waited up for you.
If you felt the same, I would have heard by now.

I feel on the edge of something big.
The unknown ended too abruptly.
There is no label or definition for what we were.
I feel like I need to know what you are feeling.
Am I the last thing on your mind right now?
When you have been my first for weeks.
Will that change, maybe.
Do I want it to? No.
I wish it could be easy.
I wish that time would make it more effortless, the way I know it could be.
But it won’t ever be easy for us and I can’t see a time when it will work.

All I know is that I could love you and feel safe.
And coming from me this means the world.

I need you to tell me that it wasn't all in my head.
I would have done anything just to see you smile.
I thought you were the one person who would never hurt me.
Or am I just hurting myself?

11.11

you will be my wish until it comes true.

I want to watch films in bed with you,
And hold hands whilst we sleep.
Walking down the pavement,
Knowing that you're mine undoubtedly.

I want to stand on my tip toes,
For each kiss goodnight.

In every moment that hangs in time,
And with every breath I inhale,
I feel the distance.
The air remains in my lungs,
It sits.
Resting.
The constant weight of a reminder.
You're not here.

A feeling; I should have never let you go with these things left unsaid.
We are the tip of an iceberg.
We are potential, and possibility, but on a tight rope.
I'm trying to hold onto this before it fades.

I'm thinking forward to that day when I can breathe out.
Wishing it was tomorrow.
Hoping that it still feels the same.

Glove.

And I want to know if you'd miss me,
If my tomorrow didn't come.
Would you notice the space where I used to be?
Like a see through cardboard cut out; in the room but still so vague.
Would you feel the shift in the air if my footsteps didn't fall where they would have if I was still around?
Would you remember and regret?
Would you allow yourself to forget?

And if tomorrow I just stopped,
Would you stop yourself too?
Maybe you would wish our time better spent,
But I won't know until I'm gone.
So for now I will just answer for myself.

One day I will sense belonging;
But not until I'm gone.

Everyone has things that they would change if they could.
Little things, big things, things that would drastically alter the day to day workings of life as we know it.
This is just a little thing, but I think it might be too late to change it, I don’t know.
What I do know is that we were good, you and me.
We were a good team, I thought.
We were too similar.
I wish that I hadn’t cared so much as to push you away and to test you.
Even though you failed and didn’t fight for me I don’t care.
I just want you back so that feeling I have of being replaced and of being nothing would go away.
You won’t see this, because despite being too much the same we are worlds apart.
But either way, I miss you just the same.

250311

Too many tears have been shed from this prison, but they are in vain as nothing can change.
Lining the walls with paper to free myself seems too much like padding a cell.

A Summary of 289 Days

Deleting more characters than I am actually writing tells me that I am lost.
It tells me that I don’t know or like what I have become but I know that I have said I will change before.
I guess Im still here to show you that I haven't and that I can’t.
After everything that I have been through in my 20 years of existence you think I would amount to more.
Maybe what I amount to shouldn’t matter.
Maybe I should measure my worth in the ratio of laughter to tears but the pathetic thing is I know what one would be greater.
Does greatness matter?
What matters?
I want someone to tell me what matters.
I need to know what matters.

Sometimes the burning behind my eyelids keeps me from sleep.
Sometimes when I lay still I can feel like I’m floating.
Sometimes, if I think hard enough I can pretend that there is nothing around me.
Sometimes in the darkness I forget.

These words are nothing.
These words aren't all of me. 
I don't want this to be all of me.